You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize