i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Are we still banned from the library?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
