She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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