I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
