you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
