Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
