I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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