He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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