I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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