I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
