So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
