i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
