As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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