I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
