I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
