I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
