Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You can't motorboat a personality
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize