Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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