The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
