The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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