I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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