True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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