Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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