I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
