I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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