I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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