My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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