This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I need a beard to bite.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
