I am midnight drunk by noon
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
