Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
honey bunches of taint.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
