Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
