That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
