Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Randomize
