I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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