im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
