gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
