By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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