Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
