TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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