My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
