I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
please don't ironically join a cult
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
