she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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