as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
