And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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