On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize