Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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