u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
