you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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