Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
