Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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