Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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