Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
