i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize