Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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