If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize