woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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