are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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