If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize