had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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