i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
