just come out here and I will go home with you...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
