I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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