she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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