you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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