i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
