evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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