My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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